Just feel like writing

This is not a post about my Trich, just more of a thought process being typed. It has now been a month since surgery. I'm progressing, started physical therapy, should be putting some weight on my left leg next week. Dealing with my absence management company is a headache and a half. I understand they need to know that this was a necessary procedure, that they want proof I need to be off work until January, but do I need to send paperwork every month? They have the post-Op notes detailing how extensive my surgery was, so they should know recovery lasts longer than 1 or 2 months. Right now I have a tentative return to work of 1/23/13. Also, having to worry about our health insurance paying for the surgery. I've been CC'd on requests to the hospital for information on why I had surgery. Ugh, I can't afford this. I need to rest and recover. This is not helping. Well, I guess this is going to be about my Trich since it's made me pull my eyebrows and lashes more. I can't handle this stress, well that's not exactly true. I do have a great husband who keeps things in perspective and takes wonderful care of me.
On a happier note, I got to eat thanksgiving dinner with my parents. I feel bad that I only saw my in-laws for a little bit. The pain was unbearable by the time I got there. My poor mother-in-law is worried we aren't coming to see them at Christmas, which we will be.
Ok, enough writing for today.

the disability blues

I've been off work since the end of August, it's now the end of November. The lack of working is playing with my brain in the worst way. I'm trying to stay sharp, doing puzzles, playing games, reading books, and writing. I can't say that what I write is all that scholarly, but I think it helps.

Since this blog is about my Trich, I will focus on that. My lower eyelashes are completely grown. I've tried mascara but it makes my eyes itch, and I want to pull. My top eyelid is another story, and much to my chagrin I have been pulling a lot. There are these annoying eyelashes, if I can describe them. They are really small, thick and itch like CRAZY! When I try to stop pulling, I usually end up focusing on the outside corners of my eyes, so that way if I pull, I pull the ones that aren't seen. I have also slid back into digging out small eyebrows that are just showing. I end up digging small holes in my face, resulting in scabs. Sometimes, I don't get the hair and have to wait for my skin to heal to get the hair out. A therapist on Facebook said, "as long as you are trying, you are in recovery." I like to think that I am trying, so I'm recovering. I know it's not going to be easy, but I just wish it wasn't so hard.

Not trich free, but doing better

I doubt, unless I find a good behavioral psychologist, that I will ever be completely trich free. Having said that, I will finish the title's thought, it has been over a week since I had arthroscopic surgery to correct my hip issues and so sitting, walking and triching are difficult to do still. I have to hop behind my walker since I cannot put any weight on my left leg for 4-6 weeks, hooray. With some shame, I asked my husband to bring my triching mirror, lamp and tweezers into the bedroom. I have sat on the side of my bed in the most comfortable position possible and pulled. I mostly kept to the straggling eyebrows that grow in the oddest of places. I have also pulled some eyelashes from the outside corners of my eyes, but I am trying not to.
I am much more aware of exactly how much stress affects my trich. I had almost no eyelashes, and now many are growing. I don't have scabs above my eyebrows from digging out eyebrows. It will always be a work in progress. I'm also on pain medication, so I'm not exactly lucid all day. Napping while the motion machine works my joint helps. I hope to be able to wear mascara again, to feel Ok no matter how many eyelashes or eyebrows I have.
Enough "confessions" for the night. Thanks for reading.

post #10

I have nothing really Earth-shattering to say. I think I am posting for my own vanity (I might even argue that in another blog, but not now). My eyelashes are nearly all gone. I am wondering how the doctors and nurses will react before my hip arthroscopy next week since I cannot wear make up there. I have gone out in public more without make up. I don't think I want people other than close friends to see the "real" me, but as long as the public I see are strangers, then I don't have to fear their judgments. I doubt anyone looks at my eyes when they see me. All my life I have felt absolutely invisible, at school, university, and so on. If so, then I guess I have no worry about people looking at me and thinking of how terrible I look. But, I'm also vain and paranoid, so I suspect people think I am truly crazy. Oh well. Enough babble for now.

How does TTM affect me?

This is one of the most candid posts I have ever written. Especially with the picture above. The red dots on my eyebrows are scabs, from my tweezers. I find the tiniest eyebrows growing and dig until I get them out or give up. If I have to give up, I'm agitated and uncomfortable all day or until the hair comes out. TTM is like that, an impulse-control disorder. The reason my eyes look weird is because I have no eyelashes. I have almost pulled them bald again. I made so much progress then I backslide. Right now, I wear bangs, it helps to hide my condition. i also normally wear make up, heavy eyeliner and eyeshadow. I have had TTM since I was 11. I just hope someday this blog reaches people like me who want hope and support.

After surgery, I am recommitting myself to recovery from TTM (surgery for my hip). I will not let this disorder ruin my face.

Trichotillomania Public Service Announcement

Help and Hope!

regression, depression? sorry for the rhyme

So on a personal note, i have a tear in my Labrum in my hip. hooray. This is old news for FB and G+ friends, but i thought i'd note it here too. I have almost completely regressed in my progress in quitting pulling my eyelashes. It makes me sad and angry. i've tried not to, but with so much free time and worrying about my upcoming surgery has made it more difficult to quit pulling. I have very few eyelashes left and have made a mess out of my eyebrows. My husband made a joke that people might think he's abusing me (spousal abuse is NEVER a funny subject, ever... but this was more of one of our off-color comments we make that we never mean seriously) and it's funny because there are only a couple scratches above my eyes, so it's not like i have bruises, so it's totally out of place.
When it comes to trich, i've found i am relentless, which is how the disorder is characterized. i will dig and dig for as long as i can right now. My hip limits how long i sit. my other big issue is when i read a book, my hand immediately goes up to pull. I know it, but stopping is so tough. writing about it now makes my eyes itch. I have always trich'd when reading. I think i will worry about eyelashes later. As far as the depression in the title, it's only because of my current situation. Just gotta keep breathing, I've said that many times before. *deep breath in, and let it out*

failure is not an option

i've been trying to stop pulling for the last several months. i've tried the EFT technique and the tap technique. they worked for a while, until i got super stressed out by work. i am now off work on disability for a hip injury. with the idea of surgery looming, i'm even more stressed out. fortunately sitting is not my strong suit right now, so sitting to trich is even harder. i've found myself pulling when i read, i have an e-reader, so it's easier to take one hand away and pull. i liked having eyelashes, they are mostly gone now. my biggest issue when they grow is the itch, the all consuming, annoying itch.
i'll keep scouring the internet for help. maybe one day a doc that specializes in behavioral therapy for trich-sters like me will come to Dayton and i can get the help i need.

I will not let Trichotillomania have me

For anyone who might come across this blog who suffers like I do from this painful and embarrassing disease, I found a great group who can help. Their website is trich.org. They are on Facebook, too. I am reposting some advice from Joan Kaylor, her FB page is https://www.facebook.com/pages/Secrets-of-Hair-Pulling-Skin-Picking-Anxiety/260775842856

"Hi Folks,
I teach Chinese acupressure to help reduce the urge to pull. Try this before pulling: If you pull from your eyebrows or eyelashes, tap 10 times at the beginning of your eyebrow, 10 times at the side of your eye and 10 times under your eye. Then tap 10 times under your arm and repeat around your eye. If you pull from your scalp, tap 10 times at the top of your head and at the place where you pull, then tap under your arm and back to your head. Then take a deep breath and see if you can redirect yourself to doing something else or using a strategy. So Tap before you pull and you may not need to pull. Remember, you are always in recovery as long as you are trying. Also, pulling and picking are addictions because it feels good to pull even though we don't like what happens when we pull. So what else can you do that is healthy and feels good? Yoga, Pilates, exercise, a warm bath with calming bath salts. I wish you peaceful hands. Joan "

I hope that if you have trichotillomania or know someone who does, please show them this.
Thanks,
Anna

awkward conversations

one of the hazards of being a trichotillomaniac is that i have some awkward conversations about my appearance. i wear heavy eye make-up, which includes eyeliner and eye shadow, so it makes my disorder pretty well, but not when someone is up close and personal, say at the dentist chair during a cleaning. the hygenist blurted out "you don't have any eyelashes!?". i then had to explain what i have and how it's not bad blah blah blah.
one time, a neighbor, who is kinda blond, asked me what was wrong with my eyes when she saw me the first time without make up.
I can handle that, but I think I make people uncomfortable with my answers to their questions.
OCD, it's a hell of a disease. and mine is pretty freaking weird.